Shelby’s six points to success

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Shelby’s six points to success

Shelby Reeves, Lifestyle Editor

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My fellow comrades,

Over the past four years we’ve had a turbulent time together. We’ve mutually hated each other, briefly basked in the same level of mild irritation with our general surroundings, stood back in awe as our various athletic teams went from fantastic to absolutely terrible in a matter of minutes and the successful academic clubs were completely ignored. While I really am not in a position to give anyone advice, I have gleaned a few useful things from the florescent lighting that’s been shining on me for so many hours. Here’s how to get through your final days as a high schooler.

  1. Be conventionally attractive, but not in a threatening way. Think Disney Princess or Prince. However, don’t let your perfect facial symmetry be your defining feature. Have a cute and slightly offbeat quirk, like being clumsy or liking anime.
  2. Stay very hydrated by way of a cute reusable water bottle or always carry around SmartWater to showcase that you value your health but are also very high maintenance.
  3. Cancel your plans constantly. Make plans just to cancel them.
  4. Convince yourself and others that you’re “definitely not basic” and are “really into like… alternative music….” Maintain this aura of otherness by never explaining what you enjoy. If you’re asked, list off well known “alternative” things and then trail off. You’re deep.
  5. Have specific requirements in your own life that don’t make any sense. Insist on only shopping for groceries at one store location, preferably the one that makes the least amount of sense. Park only in the first two rows of parking lots and leave if you can’t find a spot. Shriek in horror when a bug is nearby and refuse to kill it despite your overall indifference to violence.
  6. Do not ever give specifics on anything in your life. You are a concept, not a real person. Everything is vague.

The most important thing to remember is to not be a complete moron. Have a wonderful time at Ames High.

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