Due to the long turnover time of our news articles, in order to continue supplying the latest news to the students of Ames High, we will be reporting on stories FROOMMMM THE FUUUTUUUURE. These articles will be retroactively guaranteed to be true if it is found out later that they are true. Until then, I will make no promises.
Prediction 1: Le Epic Meme
In two weeks, the nation will be rolling around on the floor with laughter over a new Internet meme (pronounced may-may) that will have has been leaking like radioactive waste into the culture of the real world.
“I make sure to repeat it every chance I get.” senior Matt Constant will say, “I’m sure that it will never get old and continue to be funny for at least a year, during which time I will force it into conversations because it is an easy way to make people like me.”
“Thinking of jokes by myself is too hard,” WEB Reporter Conor Burke-Smith will say, “It’s much easier to just spout memes instead. That way I don’t have to risk people not thinking I’m hilarious.”
Prediction 2: Iran Nuclear Toaster – Nuclear Winter Fashion
This time next year, the Republicans in Congress will finally be vindicated of their convictions that Iran is close to developing nuclear technology with the discovery of the prototype Allah-Snackbar Nuclear Toaster Oven (Working codename, subject to change), perfect for slightly irradiated pizza rolls. This will, of course, cause tensions to rise in the U.S. as this advancement puts their current junk-food preparation technology in second place for most conducive for early death. This outrage will be dealt with just like any other conflict America has been faced with in the last ten years: unmanned drone strikes and country songs.
This development also will cause the revival of winter fashion; Nuclear Winter fashion, that is. So put away those winter scarves, gas masks will be the hottest thing this January, other than the plasmic epicenter of a hydrogen bomb. We all know how hard it is to get your slim figure to show through those bulky standard-issue radiation suits, so make sure to get yours tailor-made before the shop is leveled and its inhabitants vaporized, vapor, by the way, will be a very good look. Sickly grayscale camo with just a hint of that DNA-destroying glow is going to be the new black- slimming, mostly because you will have radiation poisoning and be unable to eat.
Prediction 3: We found Kony2012 – We got him
On the first of April, next year, the man known as KONY 2012 will be apprehended in a Starbucks while ordering a, I want to say, Macchiato. Predictions about the type of macchiato are unclear, but caramel seems the most likely at this early stage of development.
“I was just asking this guy what name I should put on the cup,” Matt Constant will say, having gotten the job a month from now, “and he said KONY 2012. I wouldn’t have thought anything of it, but then a minivan pulled up with a KONY 2012 bumper sticker and I put two and two together.” When we ask what the sum of those two numbers will be, Matt will reply “KONY 2012.”