Do or don’t stress out for college

By William Fowler
Stress is just the man’s way of trying to get you down. Stress isn’t even real. You just think you’re stressed, like, literally, legit, tots, it’s not even real.

You know who’s happy? People who aren’t stressed. People all over the world have avoided stress, from puppies to people in comas. And hopeful college applicants should be equally relaxed. Why would there be any reason to be worried about decisions which influence the rest of your life? What are you, some kind of corporate slave?

Fact: 100% of people who are stressed will die at some point in their life. Stress is the number one cause of death when you exclude vehicle accidents, diabetes, HIV, trachea bronchus and dozens of other things. Stress is the cause of all war. Charles Manson invented stress. Fact: Florida Grove is 100% juice.

The myth that stress can be a motivating factor in small amounts is actually just a figment of Western culture. In other cultures, stress doesn’t exist in any form. Korea? More like Bro-rea. West Africa? More like West Laugh-rica. Columbia? More like Everything-is-perfect-here-and-there-is-no-drug-war-mbia

Your college applications truly don’t matter. All college does is prepare you for a life as a zombie, sitting in a fluorescently lit office and paying taxes! Live a stress-free life in the woods, where the constantly looming threat of death by hypothermia and wild animals will make you the most relaxed person on earth.

If you do go to college, you should major in French Creatively Artistic Latin Gender Journalism and drop out after marrying your philosophy professor. You’re probably unique and special enough that you can make it as a college dropout poet, right?

by Ella Bartlett

College is the epitome of human existence. Puppies do not go to college for a reason. If you want to fulfill your obligation of being an alive human being, you should go to a college that will teach you subjects you’ll never use after you learn them.

According to Time, people who get 6.5 to 7.5 hours of sleep live the longest. The less you are lying down, the more calories you burn. If you would like to avoid heart disease or diabetes, you can work on college applications or cram information into your brain instead of sleeping.

Good education only happens in situations where you cannot possibly complete all the things you want to do in the span of 8am to 10pm. Working after hours is essential. Stress is essential.

Despite my liberal, skateboarder philosophy professor at ISU who explains everything with concise, accurate diction, the chances of having good professors increases exponentially as the acceptance rate to that specific college decreases. In other words, there are an increased abundance of these types of inspirational human beings at Ivy Leagues.

Selective colleges look for people who have wasted their lives producing many brilliantly written essays in their high school career, which should be your goal as well. The only way to make it this chaotic, materialistic world is to learn how to focus for five hours on end and learn to be a marketing manager, electronic technician, or CEO of Grab ‘n Go Exercise Machines.