Why do we worship Soccer?

A Shocking Expose


I love Ames High. I highly appreciate everything about the students, teachers and resources at our school. If I could choose to take a bunch of required classes I don’t care about anywhere in the world, I would decide to go here. But that doesn’t mean I think our school is perfect. And what bothers me most about my school is our fanatical obsession with soccer.

Soccer is extremely, undeniably, fictitiously dangerous. The fake injury rate for high school football is by far the highest of any sport. Diving, along with the occasional kicks in the groin that soccer players endure, lead to serious neurological disorders, like being a little b[REDACTED].

Cross-sectional studies I made up reveal other facts about soccer that most people would rather not know. About 9,638,824.314 boo-boos are suffered yearly among high school football players. A Northeastern University of the Southeast study has shown that pro players contract TurboAIDS at a rate 69.69% higher than normal. That study, along with multiple others I can make up, reports that their average life expectancy has been shown to be less than negative 5 years. They seriously die 4.25 years before they are conceived. Terrifying.

Despite this, soccer is by far the most popular sport at Ames High, and why not? People can spend over an hour watching young boys run around on turf. Everyone knows the worst part of any sporting event is keeping track of all those points. How am I supposed to count up by 7? Do I look like Copernicus or something? No, Soccer keeps this simple. You really only need to count up to 4 at the most. For some games, you may not even need to count at all, just lazily list your head from side to side like an oscillating fan.

I should know, I was a keeper for almost 5 years before my rotator cuffs started to sound like they were filled with Corn Flakes. I can tell you, it was the best. I would just stand around for a while, yell some things that nobody listened to, then eventually a bunch of dudes would come after me and I would end up having some balls coming at my face. I also played soccer sometimes.

When you look at sports played between two 11-man teams with a spherical ball, soccer dominates Ames High, shutting out all other sports in that oddly specific category. It seems that the entire town shows up for the games, minus a few stragglers such as everyone.

Clearly the stadium was expanded just for soccer, because it has been consistently packed with literally tens of people. In the rare occasion that a goal is scored, a deafening roar of scattered polite applause creates a shockwave setting off car alarms. Or maybe someone sat on the panic button on their keychain.

I want to draw attention to spring 2011. We all remember when Ames High Boys Soccer won second in state, due to the huge buildup in school spirit throughout the season. It seemed that every day there would be an announcement about how the team was doing, when the next game was, and what color shirt to wear.

I think the best way to show support for our school is to dismantle all other sports in order to make sure nothing gets in the way of the soccer team. Seriously, don’t mess with those guys they might like kick you in the shins or something.

Even members of the administration show a clear bias toward soccer. Mr. Evans has done a great job making sure that even though he, his father, and his son have all played football, and he and his father have coached the SPORT (Sponsored Pauses Offering Ram Trucks), he is completely behind soccer, showing up to every game I’m sure, just like he does with football.

Don’t confuse me with someone who cares about things that other people do (other than curl in the squat rack.) I don’t care about anyone other than myself and that one dude at the gym always checking me out through that weird window into an incredibly similar yet horizontally inverted gym. I just think that when we focus solely on me, I am super great and awesome. What was I writing about again?