The student newspaper of, by, and for Ames High School.

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The student newspaper of, by, and for Ames High School.

The WEB

The student newspaper of, by, and for Ames High School.

The WEB

Craig Walter the evolution of australopithecus

Despite all the wars, political scandals, and other disagreements, there is one thing that every living soul on the planet can agree on: Craig Walter is the best, worst, and only Honors Biology teacher at Ames High for the ‘05-’06 school year. But what are the views of the dashing, elusive man behind the permanent 5-o’clock shadow? Only Ames High’s best, worst, and only newspaper cared to find out. The WEB: Do you remember your birth? Mr. Walter: Yes, actually. I was born in 1966- a good year for war, I might note- and I weighed 11.5 pounds. I was the heaviest baby ever born in my hospital, even though I was born without legs. The WEB: Did you go to boarding school as a child? Mr. Walter: My parents sent me away, they couldn’t stand the sight of me. I was too rebellious. W: How was your family’s “chemistry?” MW: Well, I was sent away to boarding school, so there wasn’t really any. W: Did this make you want to study chemistry? MW: You could say my thirst for knowledge of chemistry was derived from the lack of it at home, yes. W: Did that make you want to become a special agent? MW: Yes, actually. I’ve always sort of looked up to the Jedi Knights, as well as James Bond. I hope one day I can have enough power over the force to make more than my allotted amount of copies for the week. That would be nice. W: What about a school teacher? Have you always wanted to teach? Do you find biology to be the most scintillating subject? MW: Slow down there, cowboy. Scintillating is an inappropriate word. I think a better one would be…. “Interesting.” I don’t like the word scintillating. And I never really wanted to be a teacher. But I did one of those quiz things in high school that was supposed to tell me what job to have. It said I was immature, my wife would agree with that, and that I would be compatible with high school students because of that. Especially at Ames High. W: Do you dye your hair? I noticed it’s only gray on the sides. MW: I like it gray, I think it makes me look distinguished. W: Oh I agree wholeheartedly. What are you eating? MW: M&Ms. It’s breakfast. W: Ah. It’s no wonder you maintain your muscular army figure. That reminds me, tell us about your time in the military. MW: I was in the military. I was a kilo one-niner. I didn’t join to shoot at people, I just joined to get myself through school, because my parents disowned me. I have never been run over by a tank. W: What do you think of the school spending all that money to hear half an hour of race and gender jokes? MW: Good, clean family fun. It wasn’t the school that paid for it though. It was paid for by private organizations. DECA, I think. I don’t think it wasn’t our tax dollars at work. I guess if one person was positively affected by him, it was worth it. W: What do you think of physics? MW: Physics isn’t real science. It’s just math. Physics… nah. W: What do you think about the new cafeteria? MW: The food is good. I like the kitchen. The dining area is really loud. I think they should get some sound- absorbing mats and hang them from the ceiling. W: Will you marry me? MW: You’re just a little rabble rouser. I read your stuff in the The WEB. W: Do you think we need a revolution? MW: What kind of revolution? W: A revolution in the minds of the people! MW: What does that mean? So there you have it. Whether in the form of Craig Walter the unloved child, Craig Walter the biology teacher, Craig Walter the tank commando, or Craig Walter the revolutionary philosopher, Mr. Walter is surely a teacher worth meeting and harassing.

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