I-BallA parade for the less talented

Every year, The WEB writes about the teams poised to take the glory of winning the coveted I-Ball championship. But, often times, The WEB forgets to focus its attention on the teams that have no chance whatsoever of winning the I-Ball championship. Generally it is these teams, who revel in their ineptitude, that make I-Ball the spectacle that it is. Chi-Unit: This sophomore team has not won a game in their existence of two seasons. Losing games with scores like 124-4, it would be expected that they would be losing hope as well. However, this is far from the truth. “We never had hope to lose,” sophomore Ben Nadler said. “Some would think that after eight straight losses we would give up. But the determination to score over 10 points keeps us going.” While Chi Unit is really quite terrible at basketball, they are probably a little better at frisbee. Instead of warming with the traditional lay-up lines, they warm up by tossing the frisbee to each other. Team Counter-Joust: Once a generation a team comes along that captures the public’s heart and imagination. It reminds people why they believe in the power of sports and, more importantly, it gives people hope. “We are ordinary people with ordinary skills who occasionally beat slightly superior people with superior skills,” senior Ben Scallon said. “We are the embodiment of the American dream.” Led by senior Jim Strickland, this team has battled to a 1-2 record, which really should be a 2-1 record after losing only by two points to the Backyard Ballers. “The only reason we lost is because they kicked out our best player,” Strickland said. Strickland and senior Gasim Haron were kicked out after a heated altercation. What really separates this team from others is not the awkward arms of Ben Scallon or the awkward height of Jim Strickland or the awkwardly large head of senior Dennis Kuo, but the psychological game they play with other teams that has not been seen in years. Team Counter-Joust wears makeup, bathrobes, shaving cream, and cross-dresses in an attempt to psych out the other team. So far it seems to be working to perfection. Haron claimed he would score 50 points and dunk on every single member of their team. Haron scored four before being kicked out of the game. Perhaps their most successful attempt at psychological warfare was when they decided to emulate the “emo” culture and wear girl pants, makeup, and black nail polish. “I’ll give it to them. They really got into our heads. There was no reason for us to win by only two points,” senior and Backyard Baller Justin Mull said. “I really wanted to knock one of them out.” Youth Socialist Brigade: Socialism is a system of government in which everything is collectively owned and shared by the public. So it’s no surprise that the Youth Socialist Brigade exhibits these socialist values on the basketball court. “Everybody contributes to the game according to his ability and receives the ball according to his need,” senior Ulfur Grant said. Instead of playing selfishly for personal glory, they play for you. “Every game is dedicated to the people because it is them truly who decide who wins and who loses,” Grant said. For Youth Socialist Brigade, using socialist values on the basketball court has a far greater purpose than just winning. “By reflecting the values of a proletarian democracy, we hope to spread the message of unity against oppressive capitalism and imperialism,” Grant said. There is something admirable in a team that uses basketball as a vehicle to crusade for social justice, and for that Youth Socialist Brigade should be commended.