Facial Hair flourishes at AHS

Imagine you are in a dark room and unable to see anything. You revert to using your hands as eyes. You come across something coarse and burly; an alpha male-like clump of hair. Your fingertips orgasm individually and all together. The feeling is overwhelming. You start franticly searching for a light; you find it and throw it on. You turn to face the greatest bodily attribute there is: facial hair. Facial hair in this world comes in various lengths, styles, and colors. On a local level, one must find some with facial hair to look up to; someone about whom you can say, “I want that beard on my face.” There are many leaders in the field of facial hair; the following are just a few examples. Daniel Lanning, a junior at Ames High, sports a full beard with no plans to shave anytime soon. “Some people make fun of me, but all I see is jealousy,” said Daniel, “It has improved my sex appeal. Random women will come up and ask me to feel it.” Daniel is one of the youngest to have full-growing capabilities; he has a good outlook on the future of growth. “Right now I’m being paid 10 dollars to grow this; maybe someday I’ll go pro,” Lanning said. With women popping a feel, he has a bright future, one that all young people can look up to. Joe Buric, a sophomore at Iowa State University, has friendly muttonchops and cherishes every moment with them. “I was a late bloomer, I started to grow my freshman year in college,” Buric said. His newfound ability to grow has proved useful. “I am more approachable with a beard. It helps with the ladies,” Buric said. His desired facial hair super power? “My beard would transform into any style, at any moment, so I could disguise myself and do evil.” “[My beard] is my social cliché passport,” said teacher Chad Zmolek; “I fit into the tough rugged blue collar world and also into the academic-social elite class.” His teacher status certainly adds to the appreciation of his beardly prowl. Mr. Zmolek was a late bloomer, but with patience he has come far. There may be one specific reason for his beard, “It might be subconscious, I am surrounded by great beards.” If you look around his classroom you will realize he is quite right, seeing faces of Karl Marx, Albert Einstein, and Sigmund Freud. Plus, he hates shaving, and claims his beard has a very specific power, “It’s yin & yang. It repels most women, but attracts the special women.” His beard is the coffee filter of life; the true goal is to get a smooth, warm cup of woman. To future generations of facial hair, Mr. Zmolek says, “Let it grow, let it flow.” Facial hair is a visual expression of oneself, so when you start to grow you must pick your own style, because you still are the man (or woman) behind the hair. Facial hair is nature, like a prairie. When if reaches its pinnacle you may need to let it burn, but it will only grow back thicker with deeper roots, and richer for everyone’s enjoyment. Facial hair isn’t just a simple accessory; it’s a necessity. So if you’re not growing, get going.