How short is too short for short shorts?

Many mysteries and anomalies are present in today’s society, such as who killed John Fitzgerald Kennedy, who shot John Ross “J.R.” Ewing and where in the world is Carmen Santiago, but the real mystery that troubles scientists and folklorists alike is how short is too short for shorts. The standard middle school method of determining which shorts can be worn is the fingertip rule, in which the shorts must be as long as the tips of fingertips when held at the side of one’s body, but this method of obtaining ideal short length has been criticized as archaic and outdated. “What if someone has freakishly long arms? Is that fair for them when they see someone with really short arms wearing super short shorts?” senior Anne Todey said. “It’s an underlying prejudice in today’s society.” Fortunately methods such as this only exist in isolated sections of society where discrimination is more important than comfort. In order to stave off injustices everywhere the “mother” method was created. This method simply states ‘Would you wear them in front of your mother and grandmother?’ “This method obviously has faults. Most mothers have seen their children naked so their opinions would be heavily biased.” Todey said. “Other mothers are from a generation of ‘free spirits’ in which they wouldn’t mind if the children ran around naked, let alone wear microscopic shorts.” A method favorite among journalists and English teachers is the ‘interest’ method that is being taught all around America in the public school systems. “My English teacher told me that a good paper should be like a good pair of shorts. Long enough to cover the topic, but short enough to maintain interest,” senior Asa Ritz said. This method is a favorite among high school students, according to Ritz, ‘because it gives students a sense of independence and responsibility.’ This would make sense because more and more students feel that they have lost the ability to choose what is right and comfortable for them. “All the teachers needed to do in order to improve morale was give the students a choice in short length,” Ritz said. “A seemingly small choice can mean a lot to people who feel like their liberties are being taken.” Lee Harvey Oswald may have killed John Fitzgerald Kennedy, Kristin Shepard might have shot J.R., and Carmen Santiago was probably harbored as a political activist in Venezuela by Hugo Chavez, but no one is yet to determine the proper length for shorts. Scientists have conducted tests, but the culprit is still yet to be captured.