MDP: the man behind the myth

When the students of Ames High need a liquified jolt of energy, some turn to the vending machines. Others drive to Starbucks or one of the other numerous coffee shops around Ames. But a select few know a secret: There is a drug ring going on within the walls of the school, a ring concerned with the distribution of a certain psychoactive stimulant powder: caffeine. And the leader of this ring? A mysterious man known only as the Mountain Dew Prince. Little is known of this character, also known as "the MDP" or "MD-Pizzle," except that he is a cunning and savvy upperclassman who thwarts any covert operations by the administration to take down his empire. Although the Prince himself is a mystery, the habits of his trade are better known. A student approaches him and gives the secret Mountain Dew sign. The Prince then turns and walks to a spot where no one can see the trade, as the client follows him. When they are alone, the student slips the Prince a dollar and receives a 24-ounce bottle of the green liquid. The client and the Prince thank each other for the business, and walk away as though nothing had happened. After months of furtive communication, the WEB was finally able to secure an interview with the Mountain Dew Prince. Upon entering the secret rendezvous spot, this reporter immediately noticed the unruly black hair and bespectacled, Asianesque face of the caffeine legend. He pushed up his glasses, looking for all the world like another freakishly intelligent Ames High student, as though he was on the way to AP Chemistry or ISU Calculus III Honors class. His mouth twitched as he began to talk very quickly. "I hope that you have come alone, because if you were not alone, I would probably have to incapacitate you, in such mannerisms as sticking a bovine electrical shocking device up your posterior end," said the Prince. "Or feeding you Tofurky." After quickly making sure that no one was around, this reporter cautiously sat down and began the interview. Throughout its entirety, the Prince never ceased talking and never sat down. His hair grew more and more unruly as he ran his fingers through it, and at one point, he produced a Tupperware container full of some Asian noodle dish and began to eat it, smacking his lips loudly, while still talking. This reporter covered my face with his notes to avoid any flying specks of food. The Mountain Dew Prince, although a mythical beast to most Ames High students, is, in his own words, "just a businessman trying to make it through the world." He then added, "It’s the green Chèvre." There would be more quotes, but whatever this reporter could understand of the Prince’s answers and write down was obliterated by bits of noodle. Therefore, we will go to the quotes from peers. Although a good plurality of students know of the Prince, the majority have never heard his name before. "Prince? He’s okay," said sophomore Emily Simpson. "Chris Brown is better!" Those who know of, or have possibly purchased from the Prince are cautious to speak of him. "I’m grateful to the MDP for helping me out when I’ve been tired," said a junior who, for obvious reasons, requested anonymity. "But it’s a dangerous business, and he’s a brave soul." The Prince ignores such compliments from his clients and instead focuses on the "preposterosity" of the illegality of his trade. "I don’t understand how Mountain Dew is off-limits to our kids, while they can easily walk into the lunchroom and buy a bacon cheeseburger with french fries, ketchup, and an ice cream sandwich," he sighs. "Government subsidies." And with that, he threw his empty Tupperware container back into his baby-blue wheeled backpack, saluted, and disappeared in a puff of smoke.