V-day blues: A Waltz with Craig "Lovenator" Walter

This February, love is in the air at Ames High. And with all this romantic atmosphere, disaster is in the air, as well as everything from harmful laminate toxins in the media center to downright unpleasant mystery-stenches around Sewer Central. Sniffing the air at Ames high has become an unpleasant crapshoot for odor-loving individuals, and for many, love has become significantly harder to detect than on an ordinary Valentine’s Day. For as long as humans have loved, there have been those whose love supply dwindles indefinitely . And for as long as such people have existed, they have labored by the sweat of their brow and the hair of their chinny-chin-chin to quench the resulting emptiness, ordinarily to no avail. The astonishing lack of self-help propaganda on this matter has found hordes students turning in desperation to teacher and love guru Craig Walter for help. His room, better known as "The Pheromone Phactory", has become the hotspot for students seeking the wisdom of an iconic love master. "I get all kinds of questions about the biology of love," Walter said . Sophomore Tom Gehring understands that this is not just because Walter is a biology teacher. "He’s a ladies’ man; you can just tell," he said. Despite Walter’s apparent teddy bear nature, it is tough love for those seeking his counsel, and no exception will be made just because the Valentine’s time of year is especially tough for singles; there is no room for excuses. Walter’s "no tears policy" shocks unsuspecting youngsters into reality, a merciless world where facts are faced, emotional issues are confronted, and a firm voice emphatically reiterates, "Get over it. Get over it. Get over it." That voice comes from within, and the beauty of Walter’s program is therein manifested; he is simply a guide, there to help the wandering students of Ames High. His reality checks are not objects of forceful obligation; they only serve as little nudges in the right direction, and the patient’s heart takes over from there. Although Walter’s romantic prowess is the highest-quality investment since Richard Simmons and the Silver Foxes , there are those students who have their doubts. "I don’t think (the love trend at Ames High is in the tank)," junior Anna Kaspar said, "but that could just be because I’m blinded by love." Alas, this is the case. The figures speak for themselves. Almost two thirds of Ames High students (63.41%) were single on Valentine’s Day. Truthfully, this is not a problem, but the fact that 34.78% of these coped by either crying or going on an imaginary date suggests a gloomy situation. Of gravest concern are the two Ames High students, who will remain unnamed (mostly because they responded to an anonymous survey), who coped by either fantasizing about Lawrence Chowder or playing World of War Craft. "My heart goes out to them," Kaspar said. Indeed, those two are in dire need of a consultation with the Loveinator, as Walter will someday be known. But there is a major problem that keeps students from approaching him. "That would be awkward," Gehring said. Sophomore Tobias Gassman agreed. What lads and lasses struggling with this prospect do not realize, however, is that Walter is actually beginning to work on them by declaring inaudibly through psychic connection, "If it’s too awkward to approach me, how will you approach your significant other?" Walter has also opened the door for anonymous emails; that’s more than most potential dates are likely to do. It is time that the singles of Ames High put awkwardness aside for their own good. They must stop moping around and started utilizing the resident wisdom of Craig Walter. By next year, Valentine’s Day will be different; it may not have any less singles, but it will be less whiney and more awkward, which can also be called "just right".