The student newspaper of, by, and for Ames High School.

The WEB

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The student newspaper of, by, and for Ames High School.

The WEB

The student newspaper of, by, and for Ames High School.

The WEB

The Terror of Doom: A Tribute to Josh’s Beard

Throughout my years of high school many things have confused me. For example, why don’t the bathrooms have TVs in them? I mean here I am trying to do my business and all I can look at is a boring wall, instead of Dr. Phil reruns. Despite all of my confusion, one thing I have learned while I was here is that facial hair is the way to go. Before I grew my beard, I was always in the shower thinking to myself, why don’t I use shampoo on my face? Because there is no hair there. The only solution was to glue my dog to my face, but that made taking the dog out a lot more difficult. So I decided to grow a beard. It may have been the best part about my high school experience. Now I am part of an elite club of bearded men and women, yes women there is a reason bearded women are so popular. However as my beardimus maximus grows bigger and bigger the only question remains how much hair is too much. A lot of hair. That is how much. To some, No Shave November is just a month where they cease shaving to see what happens. To me it is a religious experience. I let it all go, I stop trimming, shaping, and even fertilizing my beard. The result is what James Blunt was singing about. Truly a sight to see that should be displayed on the Louvre, the President’s Office and the dashboard of my car at the same time. Why is my beard so great? Some say its because it holds the Black Knight at bay. True, but did you know it also does its own taxes. Without question, my beard is the only thing keeping together the fabric of our society, because that fabric is indeed made from my beard hair. If my beard was a president, it would be William Taft because it would also be a Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. What is the future of my beard? Probably proving the existence of Big Foot, Sasquatch, the Abominable Snowman, Yeti, and the Swamp Man of Ada Hayden. Maybe flying to Mars. But who knows, my beard knows of course, but other than that, no one knows.

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