Dear Paul: "Letters" from "Students" in "Distress"

Dear Paul, As you may know, Winter Formal at Ames High is a Sadie Hawkins affair, and it is fast upon us, coming up in about two weeks. I want to ask a guy to the dance, but I’m unsure when the appropriate time is. What I mean is, I don’t want to ask him too soon and look overexcited and cause him to say no, but I don’t want to wait too long and have someone else ask him, because then I wouldn’t get to hear him say anything. Is there some unspoken day that the market is opened for date-getting? I mean, this whole thing is really awkward. Please help! Sophomore Scaredy Dear Fraidy Hawkins, Picture an hourglass: a really large one. It represents the countdown to Winter Formal, and the grains are falling day by day. What you’re telling me is that you don’t want to ask this guy with too many grains in the top or on the bottom. Therefore you want to ask this guy when there is equilibrium. So really, if you think about it, that would mean that there would be an equal number of first-semester days fallen to the bottom and second-semester days remaining to fall in the top. So you’ll want to ask this guy around the middle of the break between semesters, which was right between the seventeenth and eighteenth of January, right when Harry Potter would have made a wish and then had Hagrid bust down the door. If his birthday was the eighteenth of January. Which it isn’t. In fact, his birthday would be a terrible time to ask someone to Winter Formal. Anyway, all this to say you’ve missed your optimal chance by like eleven days and counting. Ouch! There may still be time, but you’ll be on the late side. Better get going on that… Better luck next year; remember the hourglass. BTDubbs, no grinding at formal! -Paul