The WEB’s super-duper budget cut solutions

As Ames prepares for another round of school district cuts, the woefully small budget requires creativity to make up the difference. The WEB would like to present Dr. Tim Taylor and the school board with our own ideas to save money and/or increase revenue. 1. Cut the boys’ basketball program. After years of perennially being the worst team in the CIML, the team continues to bring nothing but shame to Ames High, and keeping the program alive would be a miserable and disheartening way to lose money. 2. To deal with revenues lost in open lunch, cut the privilege and allow McDonald’s to install a restaurant in the main lobby. (Take that , Michelle Obama!) 3. A Rhode Island school district recently fired all of its high school’s teachers and staff. The WEB likes this idea, but proposes that it moves even further, also firing all students from Ames High. This would take care of the vast majority of expenditures at the high school, as well as greatly reducing maintenance costs. 4. Sell the morning announcements to local businesses. Instead of Taylor Kutchen droning on about opportunities no one cares about each morning, students would giggle in anticipation of the next ad: Will it be A Snack In The Face? What dope thing will today’s Burger King ad say? Happier students, money in the bank. 5. Gather up all the snow in the parking lot and sell it to the City of Vancouver. God knows they need all they can get. 6. Instead of paying several dozen teachers full salaries plus benefits, simply buy each student an iPad, upload all their textbooks, and show them how to use the Internet. That would take care of the educational aspect and cost a tenth of what "human teachers" do. 7. Teach students how to clean up after themselves, reducing maintenance needs. (Wait, this is actually legitimate.) 8. Save money by defying the establishment and not making up snow days. (See Sam and Paul’s article, Page 7.) 9. Grow "victory gardens" in the courtyards. This would provide students with excellent horticulture experience, reduce cafeteria costs, and attract local wildlife to liven up students’ days. 10. Turn band, chorus, and orchestra into pop music classes. Students will go on to win Grammys, make millions–and donate large sums of money back to the schools. Problem solved.