Please remember to wear clothes on Halloween

Oh hey, you’re not wearing anything. Thanks for showing the world how low-cut you can make your witch costume. Well, thanks for accidentally flashing us a shot of your underwear, or the lack thereof. I wasn’t aware that Pinup Girl costumes were in this year. I know for a fact that nurses do not show that much skin, and that police officers do not usually go around handcuffing girls together like that. I thought this was a costume party, not a house of ill repute. Now, I know that prostitution is the world’s oldest profession, but a veterinarian or a marine biologist would be a much better career choice for your evening dress-up. Really, girls, nobody needs to see your light-up microskirt or your leopard-print bra. Boys are not exempt from this social abomination. The “clever” innuendo costumes are neither funny or cute. Anything referring to your nether-regions is disgusting and not at all attractive. Talking about your junk too much could make a girl think that you’re compensating for something. Put some clothes on and stop talking about Halo: Reach . Trick-or-treat surprises me more and more every year. When I open my front door holding bowls of candy treasures, I expect to see a satisfactory costume in return. I don’t mind the idea of girls dressing up as cheerleaders, but when a 7-year-old girl appears on my door wearing less clothing than Dobby, I start to get a little concerned. Not only is she wearing the equivalent of a bikini, but it’s 40 degrees out and she’s asking me for candy. I’d rather give her a wool sweater than have her freeze to death with a mouth full of cavities. When I was younger, Halloween costumes were adorable and cuddly. Traditional pumpkin, witch, wizard, and ghost costumes were cute and sufficient. Parents are getting a little creative these days and dressing their toddlers in costumes that will confuse and humiliate them later in life. Even expecting mothers creep out all of their friends with their painted stomachs and bumpy belly buttons. Basketballs, baseballs, footballs, and other sport icons dress up the surroundings of the poor fetus. What if, later in the child’s life, they decide to be a musician, or a painter? How will they feel about their mother’s early desires? It’s not fair to the kid, and it’s not fair to the people who accidentally brush against the mother’s exposed, painted, and protruding stomach. Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have fun with your costume. Boring costumes are just as bad as overly exposing ones. Fish nets, lace, and glitter are perfectly acceptable. It’s not the kind of material, it’s how it covers one’s body. Normal street clothes and a single prop just won’t cut it. You’ll arrive at a party and be greeted with words like, “You need to leave! Your costume sucks! Actually, stay because you’re pretty cool and we want you here, I guess we just think your costume is kinda lame,” and nobody wants to hear that (maybe). So when your brainstorming last-minute ideas for this weekend, keep in mind that you are perfectly capable of being a classy person. Also remember that socks, sheets, cardboard, and markers are your best friends when it comes to making a last minute costume. Make the right decisions. If you realize that you might be showing more skin than you find comfortable, just throw on a pair of colored tights. They’ll keep you warm and stop those wandering eyes. Don’t forget to tell hilarious jokes and eat all the sugar and candy you can!