No-Shave November Repels The Ladies

You’re a teenage girl. You’re walking down the hall, enjoying the mundane activities of everyday school life. You glance up from your puppy-covered notebook. There’s that boy you like. Oh man is he cute. He’s everything you look for in the opposite sex: tall, lean, and hairy– Wait, what? Hairy ? You don’t remember those hairs coming out of his chin the last time you looked up at his gorgeous face. Those don’t belong there; they’re a scar on his flawless skin. You know that somewhere deep beneath that mane is the boy you fell in love with in math class, but he’s not very visible anymore; he’s only a shadow of his former self. As that crushing moment in the hall passes, you begin to notice that all the hot guys have disgusting stubble and creepy neck-beards. “What is happening to the world?” you ask yourself. Suddenly you realize what’s going on. You dive into the nearest room and frantically search for a calendar. “WHAT MONTH IS IT!?” is you scream. “WHAT MONTH IS IT!?!??!?!” Then you see it. It’s November. No hope, no hope. November is a month traditionally known for Thanksgiving and Guy Fawkes Day, but it’s not just a time for turkeys and anarchists, respectively. In fact, those holidays are just a ploy to distract the populace from what November is really for: beards. And not just beards, but the entire act of letting all bodily fur take its natural course of growth. It’s one of the most important traditions in America to date. Many robust students of Ames High have decided to participate this year and flaunt their impressive–or not so impressive–facial hair. “This is my virgin year of participation,” senior Aaron Ackerman said. “I’m doing it to get the ladies.” Many guys think that no-shave is about impressing females, but some take it like a challenge. “I see it as if I’m the coach callin’ the plays for my hairs,” junior Sam Ennis said. “I spend hours a day sitting in front of a mirror concentrating.” Whether No-Shave November is played like a game or used as a manner of getting hitched, guys everywhere highly anticipate the quality of their facial hair. “I heard shampooing and conditioning your beard will make it come in fuller,” sophomore Peter Gartin said. “Also, be sure to drink plenty of water!” While guys eagerly grow out facial hair in hopes of finding a mate, their female counterparts have their own opinions on the monthly fur. “It depends on the guy, some look rugged and can pull it off,” junior Greer Brown said. “Take Adam Lane, he looks rugged and attractive. Aaron Ackerman doesn’t, he just looks like a gross mountain man.” Though some girls find it unattractive, most believe that no-shave brings out the real man in high school boys. “I’m guessing it’s just a lady-magnet in general,” Brown said. This November has had an impressing turnout. Girls everywhere swoon as thousands of beards flood the hallways. But November has only just begun, and those beards will increase tenfold by the end of the month. Ames High simply won’t have enough room for all that man. And just imagine next November. Participation in no-shave has skyrocketed in recent years. The future looks hairy. But remember, in the words of Greer Brown: “No one likes neck-beard.”