A Man’s Guide to Surviving Winter Formal

The turn of a new year, and the start of the fake month of February brings forth a dilemma to the mind of every man: Winter Formal. I’m not going to pull any punches here. Winter Formal is pretty much school-sanctioned sexism. Remember how all those women rejected your proposal during Homecoming? It’s socially acceptable for women to reject proposals then, but Winter Formal is another story. If you get asked, you’d better have a darned good excuse (something along the lines of ‘terrorists kidnapped my family and also killed my dog with screwdrivers’), or else you’re pretty much stuck. Thankfully, there’s a loophole around this. If you do happened to be ambushed by someone you cannot go with, depending on how much you care about other people, make an excuse, and don’t go. That aside, let’s review the possibilities. Either, you get asked, or you don’t. Now, if you fall into the first category, stop reading this, turn to the In-Depth section, and read Neil’s article. Otherwise, if you happen to fall into the latter category, the WEB has your back, because in this article, you’ll be walked through the steps to survive this new found emotional trauma. Before starting, a message to underclassmen, and also upperclassmen who seem to have forgotten the unwritten rule. Under no circumstances should you show up to Winter Formal sans date. It’s neither classy, rebellious or cool. You’re just a giant fifth wheel, a fish out of it’s pond. Now, moving on. Step One: First, begin with realizing that by now, Friday 4th period and/or afternoon (depending on when the Tribune decides to print today), the day before the Formal, there is pretty much a zero percent chance of you getting asked. Let go of all your denial, because otherwise you look pathetic. Step Two: After getting over the denial, you will be left with a feeling of unparalleled sadness. The WEB would like to take this time to sponsor the fact that, suicide, is indeed, NOT the answer. It’s good at this point to find an activity that will subdue this feeling. Step two is often accompanied by sudden moments of intense rage; thus, many people take this time to trash-talk and teabag n00bs. Step Three: Now it’s Saturday afternoon. All your friends are getting ready to meet their dates and go have the time of their lives at Formal. If at any point, you feel yourself regressing down to steps one or two, feel free to reread, and reapply the said preventive steps. Keep in mind that next Monday, everyone will be spewing out crazy Winter Formal stories. Since it’s important to stay ahead of the curve, take the fact that you do not have an appointment for the evening as an advantage, and use it to create some epic moments. This may or may not involve explosives, your call. Really, the only trick to surviving not going to Winter Formal is realizing that you (might) have another year to get to a position where you’ll get asked next year. And if you’re a senior with a record of never going to Formal: God, sucks to be you, and welcome to the club.