Horoscope shifts cause massive psychological damage: Reporter faces lonely life as a Gemini

Ever have one of those moments when you’re so angry that you puke? I haven’t, but I almost did when I found out that I didn’t have Cancer. No, this was not some crazy, unsuccessful attempt to exploit health insurance. If you look carefully, you will notice that the first letter of the word is a bit larger than the others. This is because I am of course referring to the crab named Cancer, one of the twelve signs of zodiac. Cancer the crab had always been my guiding light, telling me what I should or should not do, like a part of my brain, minus the pincers. I was informed of the this catastrophic switch from a newspaper article. (On a side note, why are horoscopes always buried and hidden at the very back of the newspaper? I hate having so many unimportant world and national news stories to dig through to get to the really important stuff…) The article informed me that because of astrological patterns changing (or something like that…) I would be receiving my daily advice from this honorable crustacean no more, but would instead have to listen to a pair of stupid twins named Gemini. No longer could I be an emotionally intense, creative, and romantic Cancer. I now had to be a restless, easily bored, moody Gemini. As confirmation of how awful this switch-a-roo really is, I looked up my horoscope today online. If I was still Cancer, today would have been a “good time for [me] to get a lot done and have fun at the same time.” Alas, I am not, and my Gemini horoscope let me know that “it might be a good idea to lunch alone.” Sadly, I obliged. The world needs to get rid of these sudden, unexpected changes. I mean, what’s going to change next? Will the season of summer now be called winter? Will the NBA switch all of its players with the NFL? Will Jersey Shore be filmed in Miami? (…wait a second…) I guess maybe eventually I will be forced to learn to like Gemini as much as I did my previous zodiac sign. In 5th grade I did have this Yu-Gi-Oh card called Gemini Elf that was really good. Even if it means giving up friends in order to “lunch alone,” a healthy relationship with my zodiac is certainly worth it. Actually, upon further research, none of this matters at all. Apparently we use Tropical Astrology, which did not change. Some other kind of astrology called Sidereal Astrology was the one that changed… Phew! That could have been bad!