The student newspaper of, by, and for Ames High School.

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The student newspaper of, by, and for Ames High School.

The WEB

The student newspaper of, by, and for Ames High School.

The WEB

Neil’s Hot Tips for Hot Dates

Well you’re a lonely sad sap aren’t you? If you’re currently reading this sentence, and have finished the sentence preceding it, than you must be a desperate human being. But don’t worry, you’ve heard about the type of advice I give; that’s why you’re here. You’ve taken the initiative to change your life; you’ve decided to enter the world of high school romance. Here are three tips to help you improve your love life. 1. You gotta have the attitude . Attitude is how one implements the message “hey! I’m a fun, interesting person who’s worth the time investment.” Start by simply making changes to your everyday routine: high five people on your way into school; point and laugh at other interesting people in the hallway; or just roam with an open-mouthed smile embedded on your face. These actions are very significant in the romance business, especially if you’re actually an incredibly boring person. But people are easy enough to fool, especially high school girls. If you aren’t truly a fun person, make people perceive you as one: segue into conversations with “fun” people and talk loudly about inside jokes others wouldn’t understand. If you are too boring to be apart of any inside jokes, makes some up and yell them at people you don’t know. 2. Improve your image . Despite what you might think, the opposite gender already has an idea of what they want their significant other to look like, and it isn’t you. Fact: when girl first meets guy, she immediately looks at his pants and rates his attractiveness on a predetermined baggy-pants scale. Boys with the baggiest pants score the highest. Yes, this does mean that you should go out and buy pants 5 sizes larger than the ones you’re currently wearing. Fact: after rating the bagginess of your pants, the girl will then look at boy’s face and calculate its overall attractiveness based on a complicated formula involving number of eyebrow and lip piercings, scars, and facial hair. Piercings and facial hair require small amounts of effort (pencil-thin moustaches and mutton chops have been proven to invoke greatest amount of arousal), but scars take a little more sacrifice. Pretty much any brand of self-mutilation to your face will increase your overall score in the formula. 3. Disregard haters, Ob-la-di. It is of the utmost importance to remember that life will continue no matter the outcomes of the risks you make. This is especially true in the world of romance. People are all too commonly infatuated with others but never act on those feelings out of fear for the outcome. Take risks. Go out and do something reckless today. Forget your bounds to earthly responsibility and do something you believe will make you happier: ask her out. Disclaimer : Neil does not actually encourage any behavior suggested in any of the following article besides the third tip. However, he would find it incredibly amusing if anyone followed it verbatim.

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