Dudebro, I’m wearing a flat bill. Attention: grabbed. Now that I possess all of your attention, allow me to direct it to the attractive that I have also stolen. Flat bills are accessories reserved for the highest tier of person, namely, for those who are wise enough to purchase them. Research shows that people who criticize flat bills for being “trashy” or, more insultingly, “disgusting” were the same people who were not allowed to purchase flat bills and are now lashing out in a desperate act of revenge. Let’s be real, flat bills are straight ca$h. Are you wearing a flat bill right now? Do you consider yourself attractive? If your answers to those two questions were different, then you’re wrong. One hundred percent of the people at computer island 3 in the media center during fifth period today said they would wear a flat bill to everything. Even to the shower. From this study, we can draw the conclusion that pro-flat billers comprise 99% of the population. Therefore, if you are an Occupy Wall Street protester, you also own a flat bill. A careful study of flat bill history shows that these indispensable symbols of cool have also been symbols of social justice; Jay-Z, who teamed up with Alicia Keys to engineer a musical campaign in favor of New York, often sports a Yankees flat bill. However, because we take our jobs as impartial journalists very seriously, we will entertain the argument that flat bills are “ugly” and “trashy.” Through our broad, APLAC-based knowledge of rhetoric, we have formulated the argument that flat bills are the single classiest article of clothing that could ever grace a gentleman/lady’s noggin. Observe: Abraham Lincoln often donned a top hat to complement his beautiful facial hair. Our sixteenth president raised level headgear to haute couture. The top hat is the great-grandfather of the flat bill. What do early twentieth-century dignitaries continue to wear today? Top hats. What do their great-grandchildren wear? Flat bills. Flat bills = top hats = high class + high fashion. Q.E.D.