Have you ever tried to even? Do you at night and about cool fads? Are your hats around the school and all the people forever? If so you probably enjoy wearing flat bills. You probably whine about how people don’t understand you and about why people are all trying to “hate” on your misunderstood fashion. You probably also wear sunglasses on the inside and occasionally don necklaces with money signs and have sometime in your immediate past pounded a broski. Although your friend group is predominantly white upper middle class males, you wear flatbills to tell the general populace of your school that you have problems, and everything you do should be taken seriously. People who wear flatbills: Come on. Flatbills are just another fashion that developed in a hip hop culture to show people that extraordinary size and more places to display the things that you like makes up for fashion sense and taste. “Oh cool! I can put a money sign in cash and it still looks like the word, but also conveys to other people that money rules my life!” Wrong. “Neato! I have more places to put cryptic graffiti that could be a gang sign!” Wrong. “Wow! This hat really accentuates my love for rap music and tells people that I care about the music I listen to!” Wrong again. Flatbills are not cool. They are a problem. A problem that should be burned from this earth with thousands of tons of molten diamond. A problem that, if necessary, can be handled only one way…forced seppuku of all electronic hip hop artists. Most people don’t want to have to watch others scream to the world about how hard they try to like pop culture. But every day I am spoon fed a good helping of pure disgust when I see people in this school attempt to flail their party personas in the faces of everyone around them. Now if I was to be a good aloof journalist, unlike some of my web counterparts, I would probably entertain arguments that flatbills are “straight ballin,” or some other early 2000’s phrase. Luckily, I don’t need to, because everyone knows that flatbills are not, in fact, descendants of top hats, but rather come from a line of really poopy headwear including tin foil hats and my great-grandmother’s dookie.