The student newspaper of, by, and for Ames High School.

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The student newspaper of, by, and for Ames High School.

The WEB

The student newspaper of, by, and for Ames High School.

The WEB

How to react to hipsters

The three laws of dealing with hipsters are as follows: kill them with fire, kill them with fire, and kill them with fire. If you ever hear someone say, “Yeah I liked that before it came out on vinyl,” kill him with fire. If you ever hear someone say, “I used to do that before it was cool,” kill him with fire. If you ever hear someone use the phrase “too mainstream,” kill him with fire. If you follow these instructions, the entirety of mankind will advance to a new level of excellence. Now, these steps may appear slightly extreme to the inexperienced eye, but anyone who has dealt with hipsters would understand. The truth is one hipster can infect and convert up to twenty other normal people. This epidemic is even more serious when one realizes hipsters refuse to acknowledge their own problem. Take for example what this typical hipster said about how to react to other hipsters (he doesn’t have a name because names are “too mainstream”): “First off, I’m not a hipster. Anyway, you call the hipster a hipster, and then you avoid him.” Hipsters are in a constant state of denial. The only way to be a hipster is to deny being a hipster, but that does not mean that every person who denies being a hipster is a hipster. It’s confusing if you don’t understand logic, but the easiest way to identify a hipster is by simply looking at one. Male hipsters wear fake glasses, wife beaters, deep v-necks and ironic moustaches. Female hipsters wear old grandma clothes, feather earrings and anything from Urban Outfitters. A simple search on Google will confirm that I am not making this stuff up. Hipsters are abominations, not only because of what they wear, but also because of what they do. One hipster recently bragged about going to a “fake moustache party.” Another spent an entire day deleting songs off his computer because he saw the band on Twitter. These people are a blight to our society. Why can’t they just be like the average teenager who looks average, parties hard, and calls one another “bro” in every other sentence?

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