A Waste of Everything: Cats

The esteemed statesman from the United Kingdom, Winston Churchill, once opined that he preferred pigs above all other animals because “ dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” And while I can’t agree with him about pigs being the best of the subverted species, I completely concur with his views regarding cats. The cat, or felis catus (Latin for stuck-up useless animal) has plagued us for close to 9,500 years. In all that time, with the exception of a few dead rodents, cats haven’t brought us a single thing. They don’t bring us nourishment, protect us from predators (except from that incredibly dangerous lampshade,) or show us even the slightest bit of sincere affection. Which brings me to my second point: cats are whores. There is ample evidence of this. Cats of all stripes have a default attitude of unearned superiority and act as though they are entitled to everything within humanity’s ability to grant it. The only time they show anything less than complete contempt for humans is when kitty coke (otherwise known as catnip) or food is out. Immediately after dispensing with the item, they return immediately to their previous detached attitude. They whore their affection out to humans for their own gain, none of it is real. According to Abraham Lincoln, “Dogs consider themselves human. Cats consider themselves God.” But putting aside the idiotic presumptuousness of this species, they are a plague upon this earth. Samuel L. Jackson said that “ Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee .” I believe he was referring to cats. Samuel L. Jackson will bring his wrath upon a creature that sheds constantly on the carpet, the furniture, and the different articles of clothing. To conclude, the Meow-Mix theme song. Remember that now? Case closed.