Hallway Etiquette

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School has been back in session for about a month now, which means that people are back in a routine- mostly. The big issue that seems to occur EVERY YEAR is people not understanding how hallways work. Walking through the halls is the primary- and only- way to get to and from classes. However, some people have decided that the hallways are for them to use in any way they so choose, which screws over the rest of us trying to get to classes. I have created a field guide to recognizing and dealing with the various types of people who mess up the flow of the halls. If any of these sound like you, reevaluate your life immediately. 1. The Snail: The Snail may function normally on occasions which deem it necessary (such as being late to class), but they typically move at a speed too slow to observe any actual progress. The slow pace that they move at causes massive traffic jams in the halls. To deal with snails, one may try to point out to them how slow they are moving. This may just make them angry, and could cause them to move slower out of spite. In this case, the best course of action is to just move around them. If the hallway is packed and no room is left to maneuver, one must either give in to their fate of being tardy, or attempt to speed them up by kicking the back of their shoes and generally being a nuisance. 2. The Butterfly: The Butterfly has so many friends that they cannot simply stay in one place. They flit around between the Statues (more on them later) and try to fit all the socialization they can into five quick minutes. Of course, if you happen to be in their way, they will have no issues running you over to get to their next destination. Butterflies will not listen to muttered “excuse me”€s as they are likely in the middle of a conversation, so more extreme measures (such as shouting MOVE IT) may be required. 3. The Statue: The Statue is much like the Butterfly, in that passing time is used for socializing. However, the Statue does not move. Instead, they stand in groups wherever there may be room, which may very well be exactly where you need to go. Statues tend to gather in the front and back lobbies, by the cafeteria, in corners, or even in the middle of the halls. If there is an inch of space that they can take over and expand to fit their group, Statues will be standing there. Statues are very sturdy and difficult to move, but may pay heed to requests to move. If they do not, weaving through the group may be possible, with shoving them out of the way available as a last resort. 4. The Siamese Twins: The Twins are never seen without each other. Whether it be a pair of best friends or an inseparable couple, these two can under no circumstances be split up. You say they a€™re standing right in front of your locker? Well, clearly you should have known better than to have it so inconveniently placed. A Siamese couple seems to be attached by the lips right in front of the drinking fountain? Your thirst will have to wait while they quench theirs for each other. These people don’€™t usually react well to reasoning (such as pointing out that moving a foot away from each other won’t end the world), so physical force may again become necessary. 5. The Rock Star: This species seems to be prevalent in the younger communities of the school. Their automatic response upon hearing music, such as that which is played in the halls, is to stop and put on a performance for everyone around. Unfortunately for the unwitting crowd, these songbirds often have a less-than-melodious voice. However annoying they may be, some Rock Stars can be harmless if they continue to move. The real problems occur when the performance becomes stationary, holding up the flow in order to present everyone with the beauty that is their singing. Many of these singers are small freshman girls, so simply moving around them is usually an easy option. Hopefully, this field guide will allow you to navigate the halls easily and free from obstruction. Remember, this is in no way a complete list of species, so keep an eye out and make your own list of rare creatures you may encounter on your daily route. Good luck in your hallway endeavors, and may your travels be safe and you never be tardy.

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