Don’t use plastic water bottles

There’s a sickness growing amongst us at Ames High. We often try to look away from it, to turn our eyes away from the darkness, but sometimes this is impossible. Sometimes, we need to evaluate the problem and think of a solution. Plastic water bottles are the scourge of all that is good in the world. Studies show that plastic bottles destroy the ozone, create unnecessary pollution, and often tell your best friend lies about you. When they’re not blatantly disregarding tennis etiquette, they enjoy dog-earing books and distributing faulty pregnancy tests. And sometimes, the activities of plastic water bottles are flat-out malicious. There are around 6,000 unsolved murders every year. We would never suspect this of our friend the plastic water bottle. We need to think again. Basketball. Soccer. Meth. Baseball. What do these things have in common? Nothing. What relevance does this paragraph have to my article? None. Plastic water bottles remain mischievous even in the afterlife, after their contents have been consumed. They usually spend their spare time attacking dolphins. This means less dolphins will be available to save attractive drowning people. What will these people do? Drown. Tap water, on the other hand, is a shining example of greatness. Tap water will occasionally deliver babies in taxicabs. More often than not, these babies grow up to become doctors. We need these baby doctors almost as much as we need tap water. People who drink bottle water are not necessarily evil incarnate. They probably have just made a few missteps throughout their life which led to this horrible lifestyle. We should make efforts to rehabilitate these people, and not condemn them. So if you see people drinking out of a plastic water bottle, you can just go ahead and tackle/hug them, so they’ll learn their lesson. Do it for the dolphins.