What is it with those pencil sharpeners anyway?

To the Editor: So, you know what I really hate about Ames High School? The strict rules? No. The bad smell? No. The copious amounts of homework? No. The pencil sharpeners? No, wait yes. Does it seem to anyone else that the pencil sharpeners are in really the worst part of the room (for instance, really far away, behind a shelf, in the very front of the class, in the very back of the class)? Sometimes there isn’t even one in the room! Plus, how much can a new pencil sharpener cost?! I’m pretty sure the ones we have are older than the idea of pencils. First of all, they’re made of metal. WHO MAKES THINGS OUT OF METAL? No one’s made things out of metal in like thirty years. Come on! Second of all, why do all those pencil sharpeners ruin your pencils? I mean, come on! How long do they need to come up with a pencil sharpener that can sharpen BOTH SIDES OF A PENCIL! COME ON! Plus, my hand gets numb from holding that vibrating pencil. So, in conclusion, we, not only as a school but as a nation of writers, must choose: either buy a bunch of new electric pencil sharpeners that cost at most four cents each at a total purchase price of $1.00, or just use pens. – senior Jonathan Link P.S.: Also, does it seem to you like apples have gotten bigger recently? Like, I don’t know if they’re being bred that way, or what. If so, I’m not sure I want to be eating those… apples…