A Portrait of David Vigil


Peter VanDerZanden, Reporter

When you walk past senior David Vigil in the hallway he might appear as regular guy. You might notice one of his snazzy striped polo shirts or his glorious long hair, but don’t be fooled that is only the tip of the iceberg. For the past 3 years I have been conducting an ongoing study on the creature David Vigil. I have collected thousands of observations of David and thousands of pages of data, and it is time I publish my findings for the public.

David has played trumpet in the AHS band for all four years he has been in high school. He is very good at the trumpet and has qualified for all-state the past fews. Most think this is because of the talent he has fostered over 7 years of hard work and long days of practicing. But I know the truth. David doesn’t practice, he spends his practice time playing Bloodborne. David was born with a gift, a very individual set of hands. When people see his hands they write them off as “weird, malformed, or grotesque”. While they might have an interesting appearance, these people could not be more wrong. These hands can play the trumpet with the utmost accuracy. David’s performance of Haydn’s 15th Trumpet Concerto is known to make grown men cry.

David can sometimes be seen spacing off in Calculus or AP Chem. When students and staff ask David to recall the information he was just exposed to he usually cannot. This is quite the enigma because David does not screw around or talk to other students during lectures, and appears to be listening. But don’t let this mislead you, David’s mind is one of the most complex machines in our universe. When David is achieves a deep enough level of concentration he is able to travel to different universes within the omniverse in his mind. David can visit different realms and worlds all through within his mind. In one of David’s many journeys through the omniverse he encountered the infamous ghost pirate, Davy Jones. He fell in love with the beautiful design of the Bermudan sloop vessel, more commonly known as the Flying Dutchman, He helped Captain Davy Jones on his epic voyage in pursuit of the fountain of youth. After 3 long years he eventually earned the title of first mate. When David returned to our universe he swiftly adopted the nickname Davy Jones.

When he is not embarking on an expedition through the Omniverse or playing the Witcher he can be found engaged in some of his other favorite activities. These include drawing creatures and demons, magnets, tracking ghouls, and goop. Goop is a special substance that David created. He began cooking goop in the cupholders of his car. From the research I have done I cannot determine the ingredients in goop. That secret is deep in the bowls of David’s mind. The purpose of goop is also a mystery. Some have theorized that goop serves and a anti aging gel that David uses to protect his youth. Others say it is a defense mechanism that David discharges on the potential predators. But My theory is the substance he uses to build his cocoon for his upcoming metamorphosis to achieve his ultimate form.