The slow dwindling of bro-tank sightings and the crystallization of my nipples into perfect replicas of the Hope Diamond signal the fast approach of the winter solstice. In honor of this charitable time of year, I decided to forego my usual frivolity in subject matter of my articles in an attempt to warn America of the Red Menace. No, not Mrs. Brenemann’s laser-based Doomsday device; I’m talking about Santa.

Yes, just like a chocolate cheesecake, Santa has slowly coagulated in the hearts of millions of children worldwide. So is it safe to assume this snowy, snazzy scarf-sporting stocking-stuffer sneakily stores sinister socialist sabotage in his sack? Only investigative journalism of magnitude found only in the WEB could get to the bottom of this.

Why is Santa red? Why does Rudolph rhyme with Stalin? Clearly Komrade Klaus has much to answer for.

Why was it the Cold War? Was it possible support from long time ally of Santa, the Snow Meister?

How does he know who is naughty and nice? I will tell you; secret police. Sorry Jimmy, for thinking that you are intrinsically unique from comrade Viktor you get a one way ticket to the Gulag this year, and some socks.

Santa’s workshop? Communist paradise. Not only do all employees get paid the same amount no matter how many toy trains, dolls, or SAMSUNG 840 EVO MZ-7TE1T0BW 2.5″ 1TB SATA III TLC Internal Solid State Drives they make, they actually get paid nothing. Unlike Socialism, the elves do not own the means of production. Santa rules over the classless populous with an iron fist. Well, Mitten.

Why is Santa holed up in the North Pole? Did he try to invade Poland, but used Apple Maps to get directions, or is he homesick of Siberia?

So what is this Kremlin Clutcher Kringle plotting? Simple, he wants to crush our capitalist system by getting everyone hooked on government handouts. Just like the idiom; teach a man to fish he’ll eat for life, but give a man an XBOX One(™) and Black Ops: Ghosts (™) and he’ll eat Doritos(™) and Mountain Dew(™) until prematurely dying in the cheese-encrusted tomb of his mother’s basement from a heart attack induced by the euphoric excitement of a 360-NoScope(™).

How do we, freedom-loving capitalists all, fight this Saint Nikolai? Clearly the only option is to stop the plump, present-plugging propagandist once and for all, with a massive invasion. No doubt Santa’s army is vast, containing such festive armaments as Kamikaze Elves, Rein-drones, Missle-Toe, Gift-wapped IED’s, and, worst of all, Fruitcakes. The only option is to time the assault perfectly, right when Santa returns from his devious deliveries. Of course most Americans will be in calorie comas from third helpings of Gran-Gran’s Pecan Pie and Santa will have the same affliction from the cookies, so make sure not to horse around too hard.