Tyler Wessels, Little League Champion, infiltrates Ames High

Ladies. Close your eyes. Now picture your dream guy. What does he look like? Think about his facial bone structure, his chiseled biceps, his confident yet laid-back stance. Oh, it’s getting really hot outside-he’s unbuttoning his PacSun shirt. What’s underneath? A perfect set of six-pack abs. He notices you staring at his award-winning stomach, and cracks a playful grin. You now remember that you’re at the boarding gate of the airport, waiting to get on a first-class jet to Hawaii. He gently takes your hand, and leads you onto the plane. Oh no! The pilot is lying in the aisle having a heart attack! No worries, as your dream man swiftly administers flawless CPR and carries the pilot to the waiting paramedics. Is your flight ruined? No, because your man is now hopping into the cockpit and smoothly taking off. You lay back as he maneuvers the luxury jet into the air while at the same time singing you love songs with perfect intonation. His voice lays somewhere between Michael Bublé and how you imagine Jesus would sound as a tenor. You comfortably drift off into a land where you and your perfect Dream Guy spend each waking moment going on romantic picnics in the French countryside, adventuring through the streets of New York City, and parasailing through the Andes safely pinned to his muscular back. Now open your eyes. In front of you, with his lovable grin and perfect abs, stands your personal Dream Guy. His name is Tyler Wessels. “Every time I see Tyler Wessels,” said supermodel Gisele Bundchen, “my heart begins to a-flutter, and my pupils dilate.” As the school year began, hundreds of new freshmen walked into the hallowed halls of Ames High School, many for the first time. Most were nervous: about fitting in, about getting good grades, about whether the WEB would be up to the quality of previous years. But Tyler “Juno” Wessels, Little League Champion, Six-Pack King, had no worries. “Actually, yeah, I was pretty nervous. I don’t really know any upperclassmen except for you guys,” said the young master of the classic undersell. “Why are you all staring at me like that?” When one has the captivating charm and lovable demeanor of Wessels, one does not need to worry about fitting in. Women seem to be automatically attracted to him, sometimes literally: several upperclassman girls recently leaped onto his mother’s minivan while he was sitting in the passenger seat on the way to school. Wessels described the event as “not a big deal, but it was distracting because I was working on my particle astrophysics paper.” Such a hint leads us into the next spellbinding aspect of the demi-god known as the Big T. Both Yale and Oxford recently granted Wessels doctoral degrees, in bioinformatics and theoretical computer science, respectively. The rosy-faced freshman, who is fluent in seven languages and can talk to dolphins, enjoys reading tomes by the likes of Dumas, Ayn Rand, and Dostoyevsky between classes, and recently won the Nobel Prize in physics for his work improving the theory of relativity. “What? Don’t put that in there,” protested Wessels with an aw-shucks grin. “I got like an A-minus in algebra.” (He failed to mention that it was abstract algebra at Caltech.) When he isn’t collaborating with Hawking or communicating with Abraham Lincoln from the dead to discuss American politics, what does Wessels do to relax? One only needs to turn on ESPN to see that. The personable youngster single-handedly led his team to the Little League World Series title this summer, achieving six perfect games and occasionally acting as his own relief pitcher. “Baseball’s definitely my favorite sport,” said the photogenic Wessels, who also plays power forward for the U.S. national basketball team and linebacker for the Patriots. His multi-sport mastery is reflected in the smooth curves of his famous six-pack, which once became so hot that it burned through his tank-top during a workout. “Big T is soo hott!!1” tweeted Lindsay Lohan recently from jail. “As soon as i get outta here im going clubbin w him!!” Wessels had no comment on the tweet, although one could detect a mischievous grin poking out from under his determined face. It’s that playfulness lurking under the seriousness, the modesty behind the 5.0 GPA, the shyness amidst the hysterical crowds of senior girls, that makes Tyler Wessels, Little League Champion, Six-Pack King, such a winning character. “What am I supposed to say here?” said the magical Wessels. “You guys are ridiculous.” Humble as always. So goes the Dream Guy of Ames High.