Paranormal Activity 2: You Stole 91 Minutes of my Life and I Want Them Back

To tell the truth, I had high hopes for this movie. Even though I came away from the first one with the sickening flavor of Cheez-its and disappointment in my mouth, I still had hope. After all, this new and improved shoot was overflowing with funding compared to the first movie’s laughable $15,000 budget. Interestingly enough, the reason for all the financial backing is that the first Paranormal Activity is one of the most profitable films of all time, paying for itself more than thirteen thousand times over. From afar, this movie seemed to have it all: a budget, a dog, betrayal, revenge, and more than two actors, but for many pathetic reasons it just didn’t work out. It didn’t even come close. There were a lot of bad things about this movie, but among the absolute worst was that they got rid of Micah. Micah, the bad-ass boyfriend who constantly and recklessly threw himself against invisible, supernatural forces with no thoughts of caution or self-preservation, is gone—replaced by an old, balding excuse for a household defender. In fact, the only reason the demon ever got the better of Micah at the end of Paranormal Activity 1 was by trickery. Only a demon-possessed girlfriend with ALL THE WEAPONS (a knife) could stand toe-to-toe with Micah Sloat, and even then it was a gamble. Instead of the infinitely-manly Micah, you get a dog, a baby, a teenage girl, a housekeeper, and a balding man, all of whom I came to despise over the course of the movie (except for the baby, who was also named Hunter). The thing about this movie is that, despite being more than one hundred times more expensive than the first one, it is almost exactly unchanged. You get the same warnings from demonologists, the same soul-crushing 70-minute buildup, the same ending, and the same sinking feeling that this is the youngest you will ever be. To top it all off, you still don’t get to ‘see’ anything! Despite the lucrative home-wide video system (that apparently substitutes for a lock, which would simply work), nothing shows up because—Surprise!—the demon is invisible! All the suspense is for nothing. The only appealing aspect of the first movie was that it was original; this is just a repeat plus a poorly invested fortune. Granted, you now get to watch the happy couple play with their kid instead of watching the happy couple brush their teeth, and you now have an additional four more cameras, but everything else is identical. Actually, the cameras are worse because they make you scroll through them all every night, from the pool to the bizarre dungeon/basement view. To be fair, the tail end of the film is loaded with ‘action’—think the woman being pulled down the hallway by nothing scene from the first one for 15 straight minutes. Unfortunately, this single redeeming attempt (being generous) is followed by a sickeningly obvious setup for the next film. I mean, it might as well have been a “To be continued…” screen. If you legitimately enjoyed the first film and you are set on seeing this one, my advice is to wait until you can rent it…it’s not worth it. It is just riding a wave of hype. Also, if the muggles and the wizards got in a war, the muggles would win…hard. Get over it.