The student newspaper of, by, and for Ames High School.

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The student newspaper of, by, and for Ames High School.

The WEB

The student newspaper of, by, and for Ames High School.

The WEB

Robot Unicorn Attack Takes School By Storm

Soon the concept of evolution would sweep the world altering scientific perceptions of animal growth and development. Little did Darwin know that one day horses would breed with narwhals to form the legendary unicorn thus making the master character of the hit internet game, Super Robot Unicorn Attack Evolution. Perhaps you are wondering what an internet game could possible have to do with evolution, but this is a microcosm of Darwin’s theory. The game consists of a running unicorn that emits rainbows as it jumps and dashes. There are a series of obstacles that block the unicorn’s path, and collisions result in the unicorn’s death. It is survival of the fittest at its best. In addition, the game speeds up as the player gets farther and farther along. If the unicorn smashes through three stars in a row, it is subject to an evolution, further promoting Darwin’s scientific ideals. The first evolution is unicorn to panda. Pandas are crafty creatures, giving the illusion that they are sweet and tender koalas, but in reality they are fierce bears of justice. This shows a higher mental capacity between panda and unicorn, as the panda is cleverly able to disguise itself. The next evolution consists of panda to wolf. Wolves are some of nature’s most advanced creatures. Although they are primarily known for hunting in packs, the lone wolf can also be a powerful force. Wolves have been known to devour men and practice ancient moon magic. Upon another destruction of three stars, the user is allowed to continue the journey as a gorrilla, one of the most dextile and evolved creatures. With the most similar genome and DNA sequence to that of humans, the gorrilla displays near human intelligence and the ability to use tools, like sticks. Following a successful run with gorilla, the user is allowed to ascend to demigod status and play as a thundering rhino. Many scientist argue whether the unicorn or the narwhal is the true evolutionary link between horse and unicorn. To those silly pro narwhal scientists I emit a condescending scoff. Once you use the rhinos ferocity and undeniable sex appeal to decimate three more stars you reach the climax of evolution. Many describe the experience of achieving dragon as the greatest elation a human could possibly experience causing your entire body to tingle. Dragons, perceived as gods in most cultures, not only have the ability to breath fire, but are also capable of love, a quality that most people ignore. Do you want to be a part of a cultural revolution? Do you want to be able to benefit the world of science? Do you like toaster strudels and psychedelic drugs? In that case you should spend every waking hour of your day manifested as a robot unicorn in Robot Unicorn Attack evolution.

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