Cargo Pants Must CarGO

Jill Zmolek, Reporter

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Dear Male Population,

We have been patient with you. We didn’t say anything when you thought you looked good with shoulder-length hair. Just to be clear, naming it “The Flow” doesn’t make it attractive. We didn’t say anything when you lost your ability to wear anything not bearing a Nike symbol. We didn’t say anything when you bathed in cheap chemical-water cologne, and we didn’t say anything when your “ironic” bro tank obliterated its Ironic Expiration Date. Don’t make me bring up basketball shorts.

We will stay silent NO LONGER. You have gone too far, and in your fantasy-football-hearts, you know it. Cargo pants, or loose-fitting slacks with encyclopedia-sized pockets on the sides, are acceptable only if you are an active soldier, currently overseas with weapons in your hands, living in 1994, or if you are Kim Possible. Otherwise, you are bringing shame upon your ancestors. Even if you think your cargo shorts are a shnazy fashion choice, they are still cargo PANTS. You aren’t getting away with anything. You’re not sneaky. You don’t have cargo.

Renowned fashion dictator, Shelby Reeves, contends alongside her fellow females against the fashion parasite. “First of all why do you need that many pockets? My pockets can hold a single match, and I’m just fine. Just get a bag. Why is your masculinity so threatened by bags?” said Reeves.

Men, you have been warned. However, if your sick grandmother made them for you or they were cursed upon your human form by a creative witch, you are forgiven. Otherwise, until you finally live up to our British schoolboy expectations, you can kindly put your personalities in your roomy cargo shorts.

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