Life Is Hell Christabel


Oliver Chen, Reporter

What is the meaning of life? After two years at Ames High, Christabel Forney has found the answer.

Life has no meaning,” said Christabel when asked about her favorite Ames High moment. “It all runs together. It’s just a blurry mixture of wanting to die,” said Christabel.

Well known for her friendly personality and athletic ability, Christabel is also a well spoken existentialist philosopher.

“Life is weird, y’know? We just like live and die. That’s the whole thing. It doesn’t feel that fast, but then you look back and it’s been almost two years,” said Christabel. “Then what do you do. Nothing? Go to college? You’re just supposed to be an adult? How are you supposed to do that?”

When not pondering the meaning of our existence, Christabel is a dedicated student athlete™, competing in varsity volleyball and varsity tennis, where she plays doubles. “The weather is awful,” said Christabel, “but everyone’s just so positive. It’s fun going to practice unless Dustin’s in a bad mood.”

“Mrs Hales is a good teacher. She’s like tough, but still nice,” said Christabel on her favorite teachers. “I like Mooney, even though he can be rough on tests, but he’s pretty funny.”

Above all other teachers however, are Ames High band’s very own directors Christopher Ewan and associate band director Andrew Buttermore. “I like Mr. Buttermore, he’s such a cute little band man.” Christabel explained. “They’re like so excited about music and its so cute!!!”


What does she do in her spare time you may ask? “Memes. The good ones. Only the good ones.” As a meme connoisseur, Christabel does not shy away from the avant garde. Her most recent picks include the “yodeling walmart boy” and various images of dogs she describes as “wholesome.” Outside of memes, she can be found watching the office and parks and rec.

More controversially, Christabel has been a vocal advocate of fish being wet. Since the beginning of time, “anti wetters” have claimed that one must feel wet to be wet, and because a fish is constantly underwater, it never feels wet. Christabel delivered a devastating rebuttal to this ludicrous claim. “Do you feel like you’re covered in air? So if you don’t, are you dry?”

Christabel concluded with some crucial advice. “To all the freshman boys: stop wearing neon green basketball shorts with red shirts. Also, walk faster,” said Christabel. “But above all, just be nice to people.”