Imagine a late night, you’re out partying and all of a sudden, the party runs out of red plastic cups. Your friends are too wasted from kool-aid to comprehend the issue. You must save the world. The convenience store next door has red Solo brand cups on sale for $4.20, buy one get one free no less. BUT WAIT! YOU ONLY HAVE 4 DOLLARS! How inconvenient. You proceed to crawl to a corner in the fetal position and cry yourself to sleep, having failed your friends. How could this dire situation have been avoided? While it may seem like an unavoidable situation, you’ll be surprised at just how wrong you are.

    Most people trying to save money are under the impression that being stingy is key, instead of buying the Charmin Ultrasoft 2-ply toilet paper, they instead opt for the sandpaper quality brand. Frankly, they don’t realize that the key to longevity and making billions stems from a need to splurge. The key to this splurging technique arises from an overbuying of items on sale. In theory, items on sale save you money each purchase. The more purchases you make, the more money is saved in the bank. It’s multiplicative and the formula is easily derived from integration.

I reached this “the more you spend, the more you save” epiphany while browsing Amazon last year. Trying to raise enough money to further my research on whether or not it’d be possible to land on the sun at night, I found an $80,000 yacht on sale for only twenty grand. In my head, I did some simple division: $80,000–$20,000=$60,000 saved. Now I had no use for a yacht, but I did have use for $60,000. I immediately bought ten. How many yachts save you enough money to buy both a porsche and a vacation to Vegas? Not very many. I easily made $600,000 that night with the ten yachts I just bought. Never again will I go hungry or run out of red Solo cups. Anytime I have money troubles, I simply just buy another yacht, instant $60,000 gained. There are days when I have so much money I have no idea what to do with it. As the famous proverb goes, “Mo’ money, mo’ problems, unless you own 11 yachts.”

Next time when in a tight money pinch, follow these simple steps: In your local newspaper, find the section with all the sales. Find an item on sale (the more money saved from the sale, the more effective this strategy will be) that preferably doesn’t limit the amount of purchases per customer. Buy the entire stock. Make a profit. Drink the tears of the stingy. Play League of Legends.